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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.